Not to be Frozen Out! Latinas Belong in Academia

            This week I had a disturbing conversation with a brilliant young Latina who just graduated from college. She was almost in tears recounting interactions she recently had with two White women to whom she was reaching out regarding her desire to apply to law school.  Although neither of them directly told her that they did not believe she was capable of getting admitted to and completing law school, they were not friendly or encouraging either.  One of them handed her the admission information carelessly and barely explained the process when asked.  The other woman had been a supervisor of this Latina for an internship and did not share any words of encouragement either and was actually quite standoffish, which the Latina found odd considering she had worked with her closely for quite some time. 

            These interactions seemed harmless and I guess we should not expect warm interactions from people we hardly know in academia, but this young Latina sat in sadness explaining that she had a “feeling” that she might have been treated poorly because she was Latina.  She wondered if maybe it was her Spanish accent or that they thought because she was Latina she would not do well on the LSAT. I wish I could have told her positively that these were not reasons for their lack of encouragement.  I also assured her that her feelings were valid and that she was not imagining this “cold” treatment that seemed to want to freeze her out of academia.

            What upset me the most about her story was that I know how highly competent this Latina is and how much potential she has for changing the world. During her undergraduate years I had the pleasure of watching her grow in her leadership, confidence and scholarship, having written an excellent senior thesis comparing Latin American and Middle Eastern women. It makes me angry that these White women do not realize that to this young Latina, they represent authority figures in academia who with their indifferent interactions, made her feel like she did not belong in an advanced degree program.    

            This young Latina’s story really touched me in a way I did not realize until I got home.  It reminded me of a White male dean at my graduate institution who made me feel the same way about my potential success in a Ph.D. program.  Many years ago, when I was about to complete my Master’s degree, I liked my faculty so much, that I decided to stay at the same university for the Ph.D.  I went over to the main office to ask for an application and information about admission.  This dean was the only person in the office and smiled at me curiously when I asked him to please let me know the process to apply for the Ph.D. program. Without asking me for my academic background or credentials, he said to me, “you know it’s really difficult to get into a Ph.D. program.  You shouldn’t set yourself up for disappointment.” 

            I did not know what to say.  I just froze and took the paperwork that he was reluctantly handing me with the admission information.  I wish I could have told him how I graduated from college in three years with the honor of cum laude and senior leadership awards.  I wish I had the courage to tell him that I was about to complete my Master’s degree at that same institution with a 3.9 GPA and that more than half my courses were already doctoral classes.  Would that have changed his perception of what a potential Ph.D. student looks like?  Maybe.  Maybe not. All I know is that I was so upset, I went back to my apartment and completed the application, personal statement and sent out the requests for recommendations that same night.  I not only got into the program, but completed all of the coursework and passed the comprehensive exams and my GPA is still a 3.9 as I continue to work on my dissertation.       

            Unfortunately, I almost allowed that one White male dean to fill me with self-doubt and taint my whole experience at a wonderful institution that has taken great care of me as an employee, student and scholar. He was wrong in how he treated me and with his discouraging words almost froze me out of academia and an advanced degree. However, since I am a Libra, I have to balance out that bad interaction with the overall amazing experience I had with a very encouraging and nurturing faculty at my graduate institution, for which I have a special love and affection.  When I am on that campus I feel like I am home, which was true at one time since I actually lived on campus when I worked there in Residence Life.  Just as there are individuals in the academic pathway who may cause Latinas to doubt their presence in academia, thankfully, there are more individuals who believe in us and participate actively in ensuring our success.

              I want the brilliant Latina I mentioned in the introduction to know that the women who treated her so coldly are also wrong.  I am positive that not only will she get into law school and find many supporters, she will be successful in completing her J.D. and she will go on to do great things – like she is already doing!  Pa’ lante hermanita!

The Doctoral Journey and the Mind and Body Connection

In four years I lost 50 pounds.  Many people who haven’t seen me in a while notice something different about me and interestingly, the weight loss is not the thing they comment on.  I have heard the following phrases from many people, “you look peaceful” or “you look balanced.” They also ask me, “what have you been doing to look so radiant?”   This seems like such a simple question, and the simple answer is: I have been working on loving myself from the inside out and I truly believe that it’s all connected – mind and body connection and achieving your goals.

If I had more time to explain, I would give them the more complicated answers.  The first answer involves putting physical activity into my life.  I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes along with my family.  My husband and 10 year old daughter are Black Belts and my 5 1/2 year old son (he insists on adding the half since his birthday is coming up soon) is a purple belt first stripe.  My current level is red belt first stripe, which I am very proud of and above I share a picture of me breaking a board with a back spinning hook kick (yeah!).  Never in a million years did I think I would (1) be capable of doing martial arts and (2) find the time to take Tae Kwon Do classes.  I also started doing Bikram Yoga (Hot Yoga) which is a form of yoga taken in a 90 minute class with 105 degrees of heat while you sweat and stare at yourself in a mirror.  That is way more “me time” than I ever thought I would need, but what I found in these two activities were strength, balance and of course, a mind and body connection.  Luckily, I don’t have any yoga pictures to post. 

Every week my body does things that amaze me and I think that pride in my body has trickled over to how I feel about my mind. This is the second answer.  I figured out how to put the attention into my body that I must have previously felt I did not deserve.  Loving myself more made me more conscious about my food choices, my alcohol intake, how I spend my time and with whom.  It also helped me to find my inner scholar and remind myself of all of my achievements that are evidence that I am capable of doing the rigorous academic work that will help me finish my dissertation.  Time, dedication and hard work are all it takes and I can do that.

The truth of the matter is that a combination of being a mother and approaching 40 made me think about the future in a way I had been taking for granted.  I not only decided that I wanted to be alive as long as possible for my children and partner, but I also decided that I wanted the best future available to me and for them.  This is where the dissertation comes in.  It was in this journey to a better mind and body connection that I realized that finishing the doctorate had to be part of that plan.

Another feature about joining these two activities that is important to note are the people who help to guide the journey.  Master Ho Lee is my Tae Kwon Do instructor who reminds me that your body is a work in progress and you have to dedicate yourself to see improvements.  The Hot Yoga Yonkers studio I go to has many instructors who remind me that you have love yourself as you are and be grateful for what your body and mind can do for you.   The dissertation journey is also full of people who are there for support and I am grateful to my family, my dissertation committee and my fellow doctoral candidates who have been cheering me on and believing in me.  

So in the end, it wasn’t what I lost that matters, though, I’m not going to lie – I don’t miss those 50 pounds one bit!  It is what I gained in this process that has improved my skin and body, and strengthened my mind and brought me to love myself as I am.  I have realized that my body is nothing but an instrument to carry out my life’s mission, which I am constantly trying to figure out like the rest of us. The difference is I now cherish every moment, enjoying the journey itself while I move closer to all of my personal and professional goals.

I know I went off the dissertation path a bit with this blog entry, but I guess I made the case in my first paragraph when I stated: “it’s all connected – mind and body connections and achieving your goals.” 

Guest Blogger: Dr. Nelly Cardinale's Dissertation Defense Story

Earlier this year, I attended a dissertation defense for a classmate in my doctoral program.  I was curious about what it would be like when I get to that stage.  Since I am not there yet, I am always excited for anyone in a doctoral program who has scheduled a defense because that means they are almost done!  I know that last step still has to be overcome and from a distance it seems scary, but then again, we sometimes fear what we don’t know much about.  The defense I attended was actually very interesting and definitely not scary.  I will make it my mission to attend a few dissertation defenses and ask some of my colleagues about their experiences to be as prepared as possible and actually look forward to it.  One new friend has graciously agreed to share her defense day story on my blog and I am so grateful to her.  I think the more we hear about these stories, the less scary they become and then they are just another step in the process to become Doctora. What struck me most about her story is the support that her fellow doctoral students gave her, proving how important peer support is for this doctoral journey.

I am proud of Dr. Nelly Cardinale who is also featured in the Galeria de Doctoras Latinas in case you want to learn more about her.  I hope you enjoy her wonderful story:

My Dissertation Defense Day by Dr. Nelly Cardinale

Nelly Cardinale at Northeaster University 
ready for her dissertation defense!

I woke up feeling very nervous on June 10th, 2013. I intended to fly to Boston that day because I was scheduled to defend my dissertation at Northeastern University the next day. A doctoral student friend who lives in the Boston area came to pick me up at the airport, took me out to dinner, shopping for new sunglasses and then drove me to my hotel. She then took me to the drug store when I noticed that I forgot to pack my makeup. Lucky for me, the drug store had the colors I needed. She wished me luck during the defense and left. She, along with many other people logged in to watch my defense live the next day as it was live-streamed.

Later that night at around 9:00pm, another doctoral student friend who had driven to Boston earlier from Vermont and was currently at the university library working on a doctoral class assignment texted me. As preplanned, she checked into the same hotel that I was in with the intention of spending the dissertation day with me and offering me moral support during the defense stage. She quickly came down to my room to meet me in person for the first time.
It was great meeting her since we had become online friends from the time I was waiting for an admission decision from Northeastern University. It turns out that we both started the doctoral program at the same time and in the same class. Since then, we have been good friends and classmates in a few other classes together. We talked for a while and agreed to meet the next morning.

The next day, we met at around 10:00am and had a quick breakfast. We returned to our hotel rooms to rest for a while. I wanted to change clothing and put on the new attire that I bought for the event. After, we drove to the university, walked around, took pictures in front of different buildings and looked for the building where the defense would take place. We also visited the college bookstore and bought some college gear. The defense was scheduled for 1:00pm. I was getting very nervous and did not want to eat lunch before the defense, as I felt that I would get an upset stomach.
Finally, we found out that the defense building was located off the main campus. Therefore, we left the main campus and headed for the defense location. Just before I was about to walk inside the building, a tourist asked us for directions. The man turned out to be a Methodist minister who was visiting from Washington DC. Coincidently, my friend just happened to also practice the same religion and quickly told him that I was about to become a doctor. Surprisingly, he stated that if this was the case, then I needed a blessing and gave me one right then and there. This raised my confidence level and eased my anxiety.

My friend and I walked into the defense room and met my advisor and second reader for the first time. I had seen them during summer residency sessions but never introduced myself before. I used my advisor's computer to project the PowerPoint defense presentation. The system used to live-stream the defense was the GOTOMEETING platform. This system allows many online people to participate in the meeting. The system also allowed the third member of my committee to attend my defense remotely from Pennsylvania. As preplanned, two other doctoral student friends who live in the Boston area arrived in person in order to provide additional moral support during the process. Many other doctoral students in the program, as well as my husband and sons, also logged in to watch my defense live.

I was allowed 20 minutes to present what my dissertation was about. Afterwards, the second and third readers took turns asking me questions about my study for the next 40 minutes. However, they ran out of questions before their allotted time and then my advisor asked the audience if they had questions. One of my friends inside the defense room did have a few questions for me. My advisor was not allowed to ask any questions during the defense. After the hour was up, my friends and I were asked to leave the room and all online viewers except for the third member of my committee were disconnected. The committee would meet in private for around 10 minutes to discuss my fate. The local Boston friends hugged me, wished me luck and left.

My friend from Vermont and I started to pace the hallway the way expectant fathers do. I was really feeling nervous and was not sure what would happen next. Finally, my advisor opened the door and called me back in. She stated that she had good news: I had passed my defense and was now a new doctor! I was so happy. I hugged my advisor and the second reader and asked if I can take pictures with them.

My friend and I went out to eat lunch, but again I was just so emotional that I decided to only have a drink to celebrate. She then walked me to the nearest metro station where we both rode a train to the airport. We hugged and said our goodbyes.

When I returned to Florida, my husband and sons had a surprise for me. It was a delicious chocolate cake that said, "Congratulations Dr. Mom".

The Courage to Restart and Recommit

Cindy and Winston's Wedding Day ~ July 2013

Recently, I had the privilege of attending my sister Cindy’s second wedding.  I watched the ceremony with deep admiration for my sister’s courage to restart and recommit to marriage.  I am also proud of her because she is about to begin a new educational journey in a Ph.D. program in Urban Education at the CUNY Graduate Center. Committing to all of these new beginnings, she is very courageous indeed. 

These new milestones my sister is experiencing made me reflect on my stops and starts with many of my life happenings, especially my dissertation.  I remember having moments when I said to myself, “I quit!” and moved on with my life free of the thought of an unfinished Ph.D.  As David Madsen quips in his helpful book, Successful Dissertations and Theses, I would be joining the “Shubert Society,” a reference to the composer’s Symphony No. 8in B Minor, the “Unfinished.”

I actually thought quitting would be easy, but as it turned out, that was not the case. I had daily thoughts nagging away at me: Am I really going to walk away from this lifelong goal? What about all those classes I took, pages read, assignments completed and comprehensive exams passed? Did I really want to be another ABD?

I even went as far as to consider what being ABD would look like on my resume: Would it signal to potential employers that I am a quitter or that I don’t know how to finish what I started? Do I just leave it off altogether?

Last year I took a deep breath and I made a major decision.  I decided, no, I did not want to continue being ABD.  So what did I do?  I mustered up the courage, energy and determination to restart and recommit to working on the dissertation, the last step in the doctoral process. Since then, the revisions and updates have felt like ongoing restarts as I continue to get feedback and narrow my topic to a “doable” scope.  This is not an easy task, but what keeps me going is regularly meeting some amazing Doctoras Latinas who remind me it is DOABLE!

Today I celebrate my sister and her husband's union and I wish them a life of love and happiness as they blend their beautiful families.  I also celebrate myself and anyone else who is struggling with the doctoral process.  It is clear to me from the Facebook group of Latinas Completing Doctoral Degrees (www.facebook.com/groups/LatinasCompletingDoctoralDegrees) that there are plenty of Latinas who are not only moving through the process, but have actually earned the degree.  This is inspiring for us all and I hope this network will continue to support each other.  I keep in my mind the words that my colleague and fellow Latina doctoral student, Omayra Arocho, signed off on a recent email, “Pa' Lante!”

Ordinary Workday, Extraordinary Encounter

Justice Sonia Sotomayor and Sofia Bautista Pertuz at Fordham University

Last week I had an extraordinary encounter on an ordinary workday. As I was walking from my office to the restroom, one of my colleagues stopped me to ask if I knew that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor was in the building where I work. In disbelief I ran to the location and asked if I could meet her. It was one of the most marvelous few minutes of my life. Not since meeting Mother Teresa as a teenager, have I met someone who has so profoundly inspired so many people by her leadership. This was an exciting opportunity to tell her in person how much I loved her book, My Beloved World.  One of my favorite lines right at the beginning in her preface highlights what a humble leader Justice Sotomayor is when she explains the measure of vulnerability that comes with her choice to share intimately about her personal life: “There are hazards to openness, but they seem minor compared with the possibility that some readers may find comfort, perhaps even inspiration, from a close examination of how an ordinary person, with strengths and weaknesses like anyone else, has managed an extraordinary journey.”

So what does this have to do with my dissertation and Latinas completing doctoral degrees? Not much, except that not so long ago, I was upset with myself for taking precious time away from dissertation reading to read her book. The guilt was tremendous, but I needed some inspiration and I found it in her memoir, which really turns out to be a leadership book if you read carefully and find the golden nuggets of life lessons in her personal and professional journey.  This shows that sometimes it's okay to take a break and read something else that inspires you beyond the articles you read for your own writing. Her life lessons and commentary about academia especially, were just as useful, gave me as much motivation and was time well spent.

So yes, I did tell her that I was working on my dissertation and that I was a doctoral student in addition to being a higher education administrator.  She was very encouraging and supportive.  However, now that I told her that I was going to finish and earn my doctorate, this means I have to do exactly that.  If I don’t, then I would feel like I was lying to her and you do not lie to a Supreme Court Justice, or any judge for that matter.  Wouldn’t that be like perjury?  I know that we were not in the court of law, but I'm going to just pretend that if I don't finish, then I would be guilty of perjury and no one wants to be accused of that, especially not me. 

      

Therefore, I will continue my journey with hard work as Justice Sotomayor put in to get where she is and with the support of my network and community that I appreciate so much.  That was a big key to her success that she constantly stressed in her book – the people who helped her along the way to get where is she is right now.  I hope the Facebook group I started recently helps to create this much needed network for all Latinas in this journey to consider, complete, or celebrate doctoral degrees:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/LatinasCompletingDoctoralDegrees/

I am a proud (and working on being a wise) Latina!

Perseverance, Sacrificios and Gratitude to Turkey (the Country)

Sofia by the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey

     As I packed recently for a ten day trip to Turkey, I dedicated one carry-on bag to a few (okay, maybe more than a few) books I needed to read for my dissertation literature review. My husband looked at me incredulously and asked, “are you really going to read those on this trip?” I said, “of course!” I was actually not sure, but I put the intention out in the universe hoping I would find the motivation and energy.

     It was an amazing cross-county excursion with jam-packed days of touring major sights in Istanbul, Izmir, Cappadocia, Konya, Ephesus, and Urfa and yet, at the end of each day and long van rides, somehow I did find the energy to focus for a bit to read and write.  One very opportune day came when we took a 10 hour bus ride that was supposed to be 7 hours.  I knew this was one occasion when I would have no choice but to sit for hours. In her excellent book Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day, Joan Bolker shared that when she worked at Harvard’s Writing Center they joked “that the single most useful piece of equipment for a writer was a bucket of glue. First you spread some on your chair, and then you sit down.”  What better glue than to be on a moving bus for hours?

     Although some of my travel companions were not happy about this long ride, I was ecstatic! When you have a busy work and home life with 2 small children and an aging parent to attend to, there is no such thing as being able to sit for so many hours.  I am grateful to Turkey for not only giving me the best 10 hour sit down and focus opportunity, but also for the amazing food, historical perspective and an eye opening experience that proved to me that there is no such thing as “mainstream media” reporting only violence and protests in Turkey and not the regular, friendly, and peaceful day to day life that I actually experienced.  Sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone, travel and see things for yourself.  I came back to the U.S. a better person with inspiration and many more pages toward a dissertation completed.

     So in my terrible Turkish accent, “Türkiye Teşekkür ederim!”  - translation: “Thank You Turkey!”

“Que Bien”: Why My Father Would Say This Dissertation is Not a Big Deal

Whenever my siblings and I brought home A's and awards my late father usually had only 2 words of acknowledgment: "que bien." Translation:"that's good, but not really a big deal." I used to be puzzled and frustrated about this lackluster response because I would watch my friends get so much enthusiasm, praise and sometimes money for their achievements. Well that was not going to happen in our household. Aside from us not having any extra money for that, my father and my mother had high expectations for us and when we met them, they let us know our achievements were their own reward. It took me a while to learn that they were teaching us self-efficacy. As Ron Alsop shared in his book Trophy Kids Grow Up, these days it seems like kids are getting trophies for just showing up, which was definitely not enough in the Bautista home.

When I was in high school I remember seeing someone’s name with a Ph.D. at the end and I asked one of my teachers what that meant.  She said something about that being a set of letters someone gets when they have reached the highest level of education in an area of study. The way she said it also told me that this person was also well regarded and respected. I decided then that I wanted to be all of those things some day, so getting a doctorate became a definite goal to be achieved. There was nothing about that notion that seemed implausible for me. I think my parents instilled in me that kind of high expectation.  I should be able to do what I want as long as I work hard and follow the necessary steps. 

So here I am in the final step of earning those letters.  Set high expectations for yourself and meet them.  No big deal, right?  Well…I wish it was that easy.  No matter how strong your foundation is sometimes there are other forces that try to interfere with your dreams:

• the strange looks from those who seem to be surprised that a Latina is working on getting a doctorate, as if somehow the idea of Latinas and Ph.D.s don’t seem to match
• the bleak statistics that in 2006-2007 only 3.8 % of Latinas have earned doctorates compared to 61.9% of White women (source: http://www.denvergov.org/Portals/713/documents/LatinaUnderrep.pdf )
• and finally, your own “stuff” and self-doubt that creeps in when you see others who seem to achieve this goal effortlessly (and quickly)

So for Father's Day, I honor my father’s memory by remembering the wonderful ways that he influenced me and my siblings. Although he left us too soon, he left behind 7 confident, capable and high achieving individuals who are positively contributing to society in a variety of ways and will continue to do so.

I will also keep reminding myself that this dissertation is NOT A BIG DEAL. It’s just another step towards earning my doctorate that requires hard work and dedication. I often imagine my dad smiling down from the heavens at my graduation saying, “que bien.” He would expect nothing less from one of his Bautista girls.

Te quiero y te extraño Papi...