Guest Blogger Sherlene Ayala: Angry Latina with a Balancing Act and an Added Dose of Microaggressions

This week’s special guest blogger has a story to tell about her balancing act of being a full time employee, doctoral student and family member.  This struggle would seem pretty typical for any person trying to achieve many goals, but what makes this story different, are the day to day microaggressions that Sherlene Ayala has to endure as a Latina on a journey to do great things.  As someone trying to do the same thing with the balancing act, and enduring many of the same microaggressions, I literally feel her pain.  I send this extraordinary young woman positive energy, strength and the courage to persevere and use all support systems available for her to achieve her goals, complete her doctorate and advance in her career. Sherlene, we are all rooting for you and can’t wait to add you to the Galeria de Doctoras Latinas as the future Dr. Ayala.  Pa’lante hermana! 

Sherlene Ayala: Doctoral Student and Emerging Scholar

Sherlene Ayala shares:

Angry Latina with a Balancing Act and an Added Dose of Microaggressions

As I enter my fifth semester as a doctoral student, I still struggle with making this work for me. There are times when I feel like I am losing my mind. I didn't get the memo on how to make this enormous responsibility fit in with the rest of my life. I can barely get myself looking decent these days; the thought of hanging out with friends seems like a daunting task, and when my partner reminds me that I am always studying, I feel like I've failed at the concept of multitasking. I'm a Latina, shouldn't I be able to "handle" my own and not let others see me sweat?

Outside of my role of a doctoral student, I work at a university in the northeast and my responsibility includes diversity programming and training. I struggle with making this exhausting role appear simple. I'm expected to manage my emotions, not take anything personal and ensure that I make others comfortable while I broach the topic of diversity. How can I do this when most of my time spent is reading and writing about institutional racism? How can I disconnect myself from a literature that speaks strongly to my experiences and names my day to day struggle? Why should I soften the topic of privilege and institutional racism? When I do such things, it’s at my own expense!

One day, a sorority sister posted on Facebook, "I’m fighting microaggressions one day at a time" and it reminded me about my conversation with a White student, who holds a significant leadership role on campus. He told me very bluntly that our school should only hire "American speaking faculty." I can’t blame him for thinking this way when a colleague a few weeks earlier told me a Senior Student Affairs Officer of Color was hired not because she was qualified with a doctoral degree, but because of affirmative action requirements.  These racist and negative messages are pervasive.

If leaving a seemingly “color-blind work environment” wasn't enough, I then have to spend my evenings sitting in a classroom with majority White peers who want to ignore the concept of racism, yet preach that they “get it.” I smirk in amusement as they talk about the “softer” topics such as gender issues, disability and Hurricane Sandy - the storm that destroyed their vacation home on the Jersey Shore. These are our future leaders of America who will sit in positions of leadership and go unquestioned because of their privileged identities.

Being a Latina who is passionate about social justice is a very difficult experience for which I was unprepared to tackle. In my years of education, not once have I been taught how to take care of myself in this process. My experiences of always having to "be on" and face the insults by students, colleagues and classmates is wearing me down. Navigating this difficult terrain is lonely, and at times the consequences of tokenism, racism, and stigmatization are psychologically and emotionally damaging. I sometimes wish I could turn off and tune everyone out, but it’s that moment when I have a student in my office telling me about the “N-Word” that was written on a classroom chair that gives me the fuel to keep fighting through.

I realize that I am earning those 3 special letters after my name so that one day I can be in a position of power to ensure that I am bringing these issues to the table. It is important to name the experiences of marginalized groups and push society to address inequalities. And while I may not have the answer to making this doctoral experience less stressful, and while I may never change someone’s mind about racism, I do know that with the doctoral degree I can inspire more People of Color to follow. I can be the one in the front of the classroom bringing real issues to the table.

So if this means I don’t get around to ironing my blouse for work, or that I forget to get my partner an anniversary gift, or my birthday consists of sitting in my office with sweat pants, a sloppy bun and my 3rd cup of coffee, I will do what it takes to get through this degree. I have to remind myself that there are many people standing behind me pushing me in this process, and that despite the challenges that are put in my way, I chose the road less traveled and it WILL make all the difference!

Presuming Incompetence: A Hairstyle and a Lesson in Chicago

Top - Sofia Pertuz in Chicago with new hairstyle, Bottom Left - Book Cover for Presumed Incompetent, Bottom Right - Sofia Pertuz with book co-editor Carmen G. Gonzalez

I have a confession to make.  I presumed someone incompetent. I felt bad, took action to reverse that presumption and then I redeemed myself.  Please let me explain. A few weeks ago, I took a leap of faith with my hair that really made me think about how natural it is to profile each other based on misconceptions.  I was in Chicago attending a conference planning meeting for an organization in which I have a leadership role.  Since I got there early I took a walk to get something to eat.  I happened to walk by a beauty school that offered, “great deals for walk in clients” and I was sold.  I imagined my 10 year old daughter laughing and saying, “Mami, you even got your hair done on sale?” But who could resist a good sale?  I thought it would be pretty simple, but nothing ever is.  Anyone who knows me well is aware that I have become my own best hair stylist because I have an aversion to hair salons since I am usually not too happy with the results.

As an Afro-Latina, I have been blessed with what some would label “Black hair,” but I choose to straighten it with chemical relaxers (still working up the courage to stop doing that, but that’s a blog for another day).  The thing that gave me the nerve to walk in was seeing in the window that most of the hair stylists in training appeared to be African American.  What can go wrong if Black women are handling my Black hair? So in I went to ask how much.  The price was right, but can I really consider signing a waiver (yikes!) to allow a stylist in training to work on my hair? I walked out not really sure if I could really go through with it. I even called in support from my husband who has entertained many a hair salon worry conversation with me.  He encouraged me to take a chance, so that’s what I did and I went back to the beauty school.

So here is when I admit to my shameful presumption of incompetence of another human being.  I took one look at the young White woman who was introduced to me as my stylist and almost ran out. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that in that moment, I completely profiled her.  Based on my biased outlook, I was convinced that a White woman would not know how to handle Black hair.  But then I stopped myself and had an inner dialogue (more like an argument) about how I suspect that I have been profiled in many instances, especially in academia and how much I hate the thought of it.  I reminded myself how I really wish we could live in a world that could function with courage, hope and openness to move past stereotypes and preconceived notions and give each other the benefit of the doubt.  I also knew that if someone in the same situation called me, I would tell that person to stop being silly and to give this young White woman a chance.  How is she going to learn the complexity and intricacies of Black women’s hair if she does not get the experience to handle it?

This situation reminded me of a book I read that was recently published titled, Presumed Incompetent: the Intersections of Race and Class for Women in Academia edited by Gabriella Gutierrez y Muhs, Yolanda Flores Niemann, Carmen G. Gonzalez and Angela P. Harris.  This excellent book is a collection of stories from brave women in academia who share experiences about how because of their identities, they had been underestimated, insulted, belittled, doubted, denied tenure, and the list goes on. Women of color in higher education have been trying to successfully work against stereotypes and have been and will continue to do great things despite being presumed incompetent. I had the pleasure of meeting Carmen G. Gonzalez when I attended her presentation at Columbia University (see picture above) and it is clear that we have a long way to go, but exposing some of these heinous situations has been a start to bringing awareness.

So back to the hair - I took a deep breath and signed the waiver.  Two hours later, I was glad I did.  The stylist in training did a fantastic job on my hair and in the process (no pun intended) we had a great chat about life, following your passions and taking active steps to realize your goals.  This young lady had moved to Chicago from Michigan and left her planned college path to pursue a cosmetology degree and license. Despite her family’s disapproval, her dream is to open her own salon one day.  We were having such a pleasant conversation that I didn’t even get upset when she admitted to me that mine was the first human head on which she was able to practice her hair relaxing skills.  I was so impressed by her bravery and thought about the times I held myself back from following my dreams because I thought others around me might not approve. It turned out to be an unexpectedly affirming day. Not only did I get a nice hairstyle, I also received lessons in keeping my mind open, actively working against presuming incompetence and taking risks to follow your dreams. Not bad for a day in the windy city.

Guest Blogger Cindy Bautista-Thomas: Emerging Scholar Starting with Getting a Ph.D!

Top left: Cindy Bautista-Thomas, Top right: Cindy & her children, Bottom left: Sisters Cindy & Sofia, Bottom right: Cindy & husband Winston

A few blog entries ago, titled The Courage to Restart and Recommit, I shared my admiration and pride in my sister’s courage to embark on some new beginnings, including a second marriage and a Ph.D. program.  I am so excited for her and was curious to know how things were going for her so far.  She was gracious enough to share her thoughts about her first five weeks in her doctoral program. Please read and help me send her positive energy as she continues her journey to be Doctora Cindy Bautista-Thomas and an early happy birthday too. Pa’lante hermanita!   

My First Five Weeks in a Ph.D. Program by Cindy Bautista-Thomas

This week marks five weeks of being a doctoral student. Today I had my first meeting with my advisor who happens to be a dynamite Latina who is a powerhouse in the area that I am interested in exploring further: emergent bilinguals and academic outcomes. Before the meeting I went to her website (yes, she has her own website!) and read up on her current research and perused a few of her articles. I wanted to be prepared in case she asked me a question about her research. During our meeting she didn't ask about the research but did ask me how I was doing and how I was managing it all. I shared with her my joys and challenges of the program so far and she related to my experiences as a doctoral student with many layers. She provided encouragement and gave me suggestions of who to network within and out of the program. I felt invigorated after our meeting.

When I got accepted into the program it was she who sent me the email at 10 o'clock at night. A day later she asked me to start reading some of her work as she hoped that she and I would write articles together!  Write an article together? Was she sure that she was writing to the right doctoral candidate? And there began my short lived self doubt journey.  I sat in my classes, prepared with notes from my readings and often froze in my seat. I wondered if what I had to say was smart enough or important enough to contribute to the discourse taking place. It was my sister Sofia who reminded me that I was smart enough, good enough and had gotten accepted into the program due to my own merit.

As I spoke with other Latina doctoral students I realized that what I had experienced was quite common for students of color and decided right then and there that when I had something to contribute that I would do so, con orgullo y seguridad!

Juggling a full time job, three children, a husband and a doctoral program is not for the weak and weary. I look to my family and God for support and would not be able to do this otherwise. While it hasn't been easy declining social gatherings with friends and family, I have found it challenging to balance it all. It's a work in progress! With a birthday right around the corner I am grateful and blessed for another year of discovering myself.

Not to be Frozen Out! Latinas Belong in Academia

            This week I had a disturbing conversation with a brilliant young Latina who just graduated from college. She was almost in tears recounting interactions she recently had with two White women to whom she was reaching out regarding her desire to apply to law school.  Although neither of them directly told her that they did not believe she was capable of getting admitted to and completing law school, they were not friendly or encouraging either.  One of them handed her the admission information carelessly and barely explained the process when asked.  The other woman had been a supervisor of this Latina for an internship and did not share any words of encouragement either and was actually quite standoffish, which the Latina found odd considering she had worked with her closely for quite some time. 

            These interactions seemed harmless and I guess we should not expect warm interactions from people we hardly know in academia, but this young Latina sat in sadness explaining that she had a “feeling” that she might have been treated poorly because she was Latina.  She wondered if maybe it was her Spanish accent or that they thought because she was Latina she would not do well on the LSAT. I wish I could have told her positively that these were not reasons for their lack of encouragement.  I also assured her that her feelings were valid and that she was not imagining this “cold” treatment that seemed to want to freeze her out of academia.

            What upset me the most about her story was that I know how highly competent this Latina is and how much potential she has for changing the world. During her undergraduate years I had the pleasure of watching her grow in her leadership, confidence and scholarship, having written an excellent senior thesis comparing Latin American and Middle Eastern women. It makes me angry that these White women do not realize that to this young Latina, they represent authority figures in academia who with their indifferent interactions, made her feel like she did not belong in an advanced degree program.    

            This young Latina’s story really touched me in a way I did not realize until I got home.  It reminded me of a White male dean at my graduate institution who made me feel the same way about my potential success in a Ph.D. program.  Many years ago, when I was about to complete my Master’s degree, I liked my faculty so much, that I decided to stay at the same university for the Ph.D.  I went over to the main office to ask for an application and information about admission.  This dean was the only person in the office and smiled at me curiously when I asked him to please let me know the process to apply for the Ph.D. program. Without asking me for my academic background or credentials, he said to me, “you know it’s really difficult to get into a Ph.D. program.  You shouldn’t set yourself up for disappointment.” 

            I did not know what to say.  I just froze and took the paperwork that he was reluctantly handing me with the admission information.  I wish I could have told him how I graduated from college in three years with the honor of cum laude and senior leadership awards.  I wish I had the courage to tell him that I was about to complete my Master’s degree at that same institution with a 3.9 GPA and that more than half my courses were already doctoral classes.  Would that have changed his perception of what a potential Ph.D. student looks like?  Maybe.  Maybe not. All I know is that I was so upset, I went back to my apartment and completed the application, personal statement and sent out the requests for recommendations that same night.  I not only got into the program, but completed all of the coursework and passed the comprehensive exams and my GPA is still a 3.9 as I continue to work on my dissertation.       

            Unfortunately, I almost allowed that one White male dean to fill me with self-doubt and taint my whole experience at a wonderful institution that has taken great care of me as an employee, student and scholar. He was wrong in how he treated me and with his discouraging words almost froze me out of academia and an advanced degree. However, since I am a Libra, I have to balance out that bad interaction with the overall amazing experience I had with a very encouraging and nurturing faculty at my graduate institution, for which I have a special love and affection.  When I am on that campus I feel like I am home, which was true at one time since I actually lived on campus when I worked there in Residence Life.  Just as there are individuals in the academic pathway who may cause Latinas to doubt their presence in academia, thankfully, there are more individuals who believe in us and participate actively in ensuring our success.

              I want the brilliant Latina I mentioned in the introduction to know that the women who treated her so coldly are also wrong.  I am positive that not only will she get into law school and find many supporters, she will be successful in completing her J.D. and she will go on to do great things – like she is already doing!  Pa’ lante hermanita!