Presuming Incompetence: A Hairstyle and a Lesson in Chicago

Top - Sofia Pertuz in Chicago with new hairstyle, Bottom Left - Book Cover for Presumed Incompetent, Bottom Right - Sofia Pertuz with book co-editor Carmen G. Gonzalez

I have a confession to make.  I presumed someone incompetent. I felt bad, took action to reverse that presumption and then I redeemed myself.  Please let me explain. A few weeks ago, I took a leap of faith with my hair that really made me think about how natural it is to profile each other based on misconceptions.  I was in Chicago attending a conference planning meeting for an organization in which I have a leadership role.  Since I got there early I took a walk to get something to eat.  I happened to walk by a beauty school that offered, “great deals for walk in clients” and I was sold.  I imagined my 10 year old daughter laughing and saying, “Mami, you even got your hair done on sale?” But who could resist a good sale?  I thought it would be pretty simple, but nothing ever is.  Anyone who knows me well is aware that I have become my own best hair stylist because I have an aversion to hair salons since I am usually not too happy with the results.

As an Afro-Latina, I have been blessed with what some would label “Black hair,” but I choose to straighten it with chemical relaxers (still working up the courage to stop doing that, but that’s a blog for another day).  The thing that gave me the nerve to walk in was seeing in the window that most of the hair stylists in training appeared to be African American.  What can go wrong if Black women are handling my Black hair? So in I went to ask how much.  The price was right, but can I really consider signing a waiver (yikes!) to allow a stylist in training to work on my hair? I walked out not really sure if I could really go through with it. I even called in support from my husband who has entertained many a hair salon worry conversation with me.  He encouraged me to take a chance, so that’s what I did and I went back to the beauty school.

So here is when I admit to my shameful presumption of incompetence of another human being.  I took one look at the young White woman who was introduced to me as my stylist and almost ran out. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that in that moment, I completely profiled her.  Based on my biased outlook, I was convinced that a White woman would not know how to handle Black hair.  But then I stopped myself and had an inner dialogue (more like an argument) about how I suspect that I have been profiled in many instances, especially in academia and how much I hate the thought of it.  I reminded myself how I really wish we could live in a world that could function with courage, hope and openness to move past stereotypes and preconceived notions and give each other the benefit of the doubt.  I also knew that if someone in the same situation called me, I would tell that person to stop being silly and to give this young White woman a chance.  How is she going to learn the complexity and intricacies of Black women’s hair if she does not get the experience to handle it?

This situation reminded me of a book I read that was recently published titled, Presumed Incompetent: the Intersections of Race and Class for Women in Academia edited by Gabriella Gutierrez y Muhs, Yolanda Flores Niemann, Carmen G. Gonzalez and Angela P. Harris.  This excellent book is a collection of stories from brave women in academia who share experiences about how because of their identities, they had been underestimated, insulted, belittled, doubted, denied tenure, and the list goes on. Women of color in higher education have been trying to successfully work against stereotypes and have been and will continue to do great things despite being presumed incompetent. I had the pleasure of meeting Carmen G. Gonzalez when I attended her presentation at Columbia University (see picture above) and it is clear that we have a long way to go, but exposing some of these heinous situations has been a start to bringing awareness.

So back to the hair - I took a deep breath and signed the waiver.  Two hours later, I was glad I did.  The stylist in training did a fantastic job on my hair and in the process (no pun intended) we had a great chat about life, following your passions and taking active steps to realize your goals.  This young lady had moved to Chicago from Michigan and left her planned college path to pursue a cosmetology degree and license. Despite her family’s disapproval, her dream is to open her own salon one day.  We were having such a pleasant conversation that I didn’t even get upset when she admitted to me that mine was the first human head on which she was able to practice her hair relaxing skills.  I was so impressed by her bravery and thought about the times I held myself back from following my dreams because I thought others around me might not approve. It turned out to be an unexpectedly affirming day. Not only did I get a nice hairstyle, I also received lessons in keeping my mind open, actively working against presuming incompetence and taking risks to follow your dreams. Not bad for a day in the windy city.

Guest Blogger Cindy Bautista-Thomas: Emerging Scholar Starting with Getting a Ph.D!

Top left: Cindy Bautista-Thomas, Top right: Cindy & her children, Bottom left: Sisters Cindy & Sofia, Bottom right: Cindy & husband Winston

A few blog entries ago, titled The Courage to Restart and Recommit, I shared my admiration and pride in my sister’s courage to embark on some new beginnings, including a second marriage and a Ph.D. program.  I am so excited for her and was curious to know how things were going for her so far.  She was gracious enough to share her thoughts about her first five weeks in her doctoral program. Please read and help me send her positive energy as she continues her journey to be Doctora Cindy Bautista-Thomas and an early happy birthday too. Pa’lante hermanita!   

My First Five Weeks in a Ph.D. Program by Cindy Bautista-Thomas

This week marks five weeks of being a doctoral student. Today I had my first meeting with my advisor who happens to be a dynamite Latina who is a powerhouse in the area that I am interested in exploring further: emergent bilinguals and academic outcomes. Before the meeting I went to her website (yes, she has her own website!) and read up on her current research and perused a few of her articles. I wanted to be prepared in case she asked me a question about her research. During our meeting she didn't ask about the research but did ask me how I was doing and how I was managing it all. I shared with her my joys and challenges of the program so far and she related to my experiences as a doctoral student with many layers. She provided encouragement and gave me suggestions of who to network within and out of the program. I felt invigorated after our meeting.

When I got accepted into the program it was she who sent me the email at 10 o'clock at night. A day later she asked me to start reading some of her work as she hoped that she and I would write articles together!  Write an article together? Was she sure that she was writing to the right doctoral candidate? And there began my short lived self doubt journey.  I sat in my classes, prepared with notes from my readings and often froze in my seat. I wondered if what I had to say was smart enough or important enough to contribute to the discourse taking place. It was my sister Sofia who reminded me that I was smart enough, good enough and had gotten accepted into the program due to my own merit.

As I spoke with other Latina doctoral students I realized that what I had experienced was quite common for students of color and decided right then and there that when I had something to contribute that I would do so, con orgullo y seguridad!

Juggling a full time job, three children, a husband and a doctoral program is not for the weak and weary. I look to my family and God for support and would not be able to do this otherwise. While it hasn't been easy declining social gatherings with friends and family, I have found it challenging to balance it all. It's a work in progress! With a birthday right around the corner I am grateful and blessed for another year of discovering myself.

Not to be Frozen Out! Latinas Belong in Academia

            This week I had a disturbing conversation with a brilliant young Latina who just graduated from college. She was almost in tears recounting interactions she recently had with two White women to whom she was reaching out regarding her desire to apply to law school.  Although neither of them directly told her that they did not believe she was capable of getting admitted to and completing law school, they were not friendly or encouraging either.  One of them handed her the admission information carelessly and barely explained the process when asked.  The other woman had been a supervisor of this Latina for an internship and did not share any words of encouragement either and was actually quite standoffish, which the Latina found odd considering she had worked with her closely for quite some time. 

            These interactions seemed harmless and I guess we should not expect warm interactions from people we hardly know in academia, but this young Latina sat in sadness explaining that she had a “feeling” that she might have been treated poorly because she was Latina.  She wondered if maybe it was her Spanish accent or that they thought because she was Latina she would not do well on the LSAT. I wish I could have told her positively that these were not reasons for their lack of encouragement.  I also assured her that her feelings were valid and that she was not imagining this “cold” treatment that seemed to want to freeze her out of academia.

            What upset me the most about her story was that I know how highly competent this Latina is and how much potential she has for changing the world. During her undergraduate years I had the pleasure of watching her grow in her leadership, confidence and scholarship, having written an excellent senior thesis comparing Latin American and Middle Eastern women. It makes me angry that these White women do not realize that to this young Latina, they represent authority figures in academia who with their indifferent interactions, made her feel like she did not belong in an advanced degree program.    

            This young Latina’s story really touched me in a way I did not realize until I got home.  It reminded me of a White male dean at my graduate institution who made me feel the same way about my potential success in a Ph.D. program.  Many years ago, when I was about to complete my Master’s degree, I liked my faculty so much, that I decided to stay at the same university for the Ph.D.  I went over to the main office to ask for an application and information about admission.  This dean was the only person in the office and smiled at me curiously when I asked him to please let me know the process to apply for the Ph.D. program. Without asking me for my academic background or credentials, he said to me, “you know it’s really difficult to get into a Ph.D. program.  You shouldn’t set yourself up for disappointment.” 

            I did not know what to say.  I just froze and took the paperwork that he was reluctantly handing me with the admission information.  I wish I could have told him how I graduated from college in three years with the honor of cum laude and senior leadership awards.  I wish I had the courage to tell him that I was about to complete my Master’s degree at that same institution with a 3.9 GPA and that more than half my courses were already doctoral classes.  Would that have changed his perception of what a potential Ph.D. student looks like?  Maybe.  Maybe not. All I know is that I was so upset, I went back to my apartment and completed the application, personal statement and sent out the requests for recommendations that same night.  I not only got into the program, but completed all of the coursework and passed the comprehensive exams and my GPA is still a 3.9 as I continue to work on my dissertation.       

            Unfortunately, I almost allowed that one White male dean to fill me with self-doubt and taint my whole experience at a wonderful institution that has taken great care of me as an employee, student and scholar. He was wrong in how he treated me and with his discouraging words almost froze me out of academia and an advanced degree. However, since I am a Libra, I have to balance out that bad interaction with the overall amazing experience I had with a very encouraging and nurturing faculty at my graduate institution, for which I have a special love and affection.  When I am on that campus I feel like I am home, which was true at one time since I actually lived on campus when I worked there in Residence Life.  Just as there are individuals in the academic pathway who may cause Latinas to doubt their presence in academia, thankfully, there are more individuals who believe in us and participate actively in ensuring our success.

              I want the brilliant Latina I mentioned in the introduction to know that the women who treated her so coldly are also wrong.  I am positive that not only will she get into law school and find many supporters, she will be successful in completing her J.D. and she will go on to do great things – like she is already doing!  Pa’ lante hermanita!

The Doctoral Journey and the Mind and Body Connection

In four years I lost 50 pounds.  Many people who haven’t seen me in a while notice something different about me and interestingly, the weight loss is not the thing they comment on.  I have heard the following phrases from many people, “you look peaceful” or “you look balanced.” They also ask me, “what have you been doing to look so radiant?”   This seems like such a simple question, and the simple answer is: I have been working on loving myself from the inside out and I truly believe that it’s all connected – mind and body connection and achieving your goals.

If I had more time to explain, I would give them the more complicated answers.  The first answer involves putting physical activity into my life.  I started taking Tae Kwon Do classes along with my family.  My husband and 10 year old daughter are Black Belts and my 5 1/2 year old son (he insists on adding the half since his birthday is coming up soon) is a purple belt first stripe.  My current level is red belt first stripe, which I am very proud of and above I share a picture of me breaking a board with a back spinning hook kick (yeah!).  Never in a million years did I think I would (1) be capable of doing martial arts and (2) find the time to take Tae Kwon Do classes.  I also started doing Bikram Yoga (Hot Yoga) which is a form of yoga taken in a 90 minute class with 105 degrees of heat while you sweat and stare at yourself in a mirror.  That is way more “me time” than I ever thought I would need, but what I found in these two activities were strength, balance and of course, a mind and body connection.  Luckily, I don’t have any yoga pictures to post. 

Every week my body does things that amaze me and I think that pride in my body has trickled over to how I feel about my mind. This is the second answer.  I figured out how to put the attention into my body that I must have previously felt I did not deserve.  Loving myself more made me more conscious about my food choices, my alcohol intake, how I spend my time and with whom.  It also helped me to find my inner scholar and remind myself of all of my achievements that are evidence that I am capable of doing the rigorous academic work that will help me finish my dissertation.  Time, dedication and hard work are all it takes and I can do that.

The truth of the matter is that a combination of being a mother and approaching 40 made me think about the future in a way I had been taking for granted.  I not only decided that I wanted to be alive as long as possible for my children and partner, but I also decided that I wanted the best future available to me and for them.  This is where the dissertation comes in.  It was in this journey to a better mind and body connection that I realized that finishing the doctorate had to be part of that plan.

Another feature about joining these two activities that is important to note are the people who help to guide the journey.  Master Ho Lee is my Tae Kwon Do instructor who reminds me that your body is a work in progress and you have to dedicate yourself to see improvements.  The Hot Yoga Yonkers studio I go to has many instructors who remind me that you have love yourself as you are and be grateful for what your body and mind can do for you.   The dissertation journey is also full of people who are there for support and I am grateful to my family, my dissertation committee and my fellow doctoral candidates who have been cheering me on and believing in me.  

So in the end, it wasn’t what I lost that matters, though, I’m not going to lie – I don’t miss those 50 pounds one bit!  It is what I gained in this process that has improved my skin and body, and strengthened my mind and brought me to love myself as I am.  I have realized that my body is nothing but an instrument to carry out my life’s mission, which I am constantly trying to figure out like the rest of us. The difference is I now cherish every moment, enjoying the journey itself while I move closer to all of my personal and professional goals.

I know I went off the dissertation path a bit with this blog entry, but I guess I made the case in my first paragraph when I stated: “it’s all connected – mind and body connections and achieving your goals.” 

Guest Blogger: Dr. Nelly Cardinale's Dissertation Defense Story

Earlier this year, I attended a dissertation defense for a classmate in my doctoral program.  I was curious about what it would be like when I get to that stage.  Since I am not there yet, I am always excited for anyone in a doctoral program who has scheduled a defense because that means they are almost done!  I know that last step still has to be overcome and from a distance it seems scary, but then again, we sometimes fear what we don’t know much about.  The defense I attended was actually very interesting and definitely not scary.  I will make it my mission to attend a few dissertation defenses and ask some of my colleagues about their experiences to be as prepared as possible and actually look forward to it.  One new friend has graciously agreed to share her defense day story on my blog and I am so grateful to her.  I think the more we hear about these stories, the less scary they become and then they are just another step in the process to become Doctora. What struck me most about her story is the support that her fellow doctoral students gave her, proving how important peer support is for this doctoral journey.

I am proud of Dr. Nelly Cardinale who is also featured in the Galeria de Doctoras Latinas in case you want to learn more about her.  I hope you enjoy her wonderful story:

My Dissertation Defense Day by Dr. Nelly Cardinale

Nelly Cardinale at Northeaster University 
ready for her dissertation defense!

I woke up feeling very nervous on June 10th, 2013. I intended to fly to Boston that day because I was scheduled to defend my dissertation at Northeastern University the next day. A doctoral student friend who lives in the Boston area came to pick me up at the airport, took me out to dinner, shopping for new sunglasses and then drove me to my hotel. She then took me to the drug store when I noticed that I forgot to pack my makeup. Lucky for me, the drug store had the colors I needed. She wished me luck during the defense and left. She, along with many other people logged in to watch my defense live the next day as it was live-streamed.

Later that night at around 9:00pm, another doctoral student friend who had driven to Boston earlier from Vermont and was currently at the university library working on a doctoral class assignment texted me. As preplanned, she checked into the same hotel that I was in with the intention of spending the dissertation day with me and offering me moral support during the defense stage. She quickly came down to my room to meet me in person for the first time.
It was great meeting her since we had become online friends from the time I was waiting for an admission decision from Northeastern University. It turns out that we both started the doctoral program at the same time and in the same class. Since then, we have been good friends and classmates in a few other classes together. We talked for a while and agreed to meet the next morning.

The next day, we met at around 10:00am and had a quick breakfast. We returned to our hotel rooms to rest for a while. I wanted to change clothing and put on the new attire that I bought for the event. After, we drove to the university, walked around, took pictures in front of different buildings and looked for the building where the defense would take place. We also visited the college bookstore and bought some college gear. The defense was scheduled for 1:00pm. I was getting very nervous and did not want to eat lunch before the defense, as I felt that I would get an upset stomach.
Finally, we found out that the defense building was located off the main campus. Therefore, we left the main campus and headed for the defense location. Just before I was about to walk inside the building, a tourist asked us for directions. The man turned out to be a Methodist minister who was visiting from Washington DC. Coincidently, my friend just happened to also practice the same religion and quickly told him that I was about to become a doctor. Surprisingly, he stated that if this was the case, then I needed a blessing and gave me one right then and there. This raised my confidence level and eased my anxiety.

My friend and I walked into the defense room and met my advisor and second reader for the first time. I had seen them during summer residency sessions but never introduced myself before. I used my advisor's computer to project the PowerPoint defense presentation. The system used to live-stream the defense was the GOTOMEETING platform. This system allows many online people to participate in the meeting. The system also allowed the third member of my committee to attend my defense remotely from Pennsylvania. As preplanned, two other doctoral student friends who live in the Boston area arrived in person in order to provide additional moral support during the process. Many other doctoral students in the program, as well as my husband and sons, also logged in to watch my defense live.

I was allowed 20 minutes to present what my dissertation was about. Afterwards, the second and third readers took turns asking me questions about my study for the next 40 minutes. However, they ran out of questions before their allotted time and then my advisor asked the audience if they had questions. One of my friends inside the defense room did have a few questions for me. My advisor was not allowed to ask any questions during the defense. After the hour was up, my friends and I were asked to leave the room and all online viewers except for the third member of my committee were disconnected. The committee would meet in private for around 10 minutes to discuss my fate. The local Boston friends hugged me, wished me luck and left.

My friend from Vermont and I started to pace the hallway the way expectant fathers do. I was really feeling nervous and was not sure what would happen next. Finally, my advisor opened the door and called me back in. She stated that she had good news: I had passed my defense and was now a new doctor! I was so happy. I hugged my advisor and the second reader and asked if I can take pictures with them.

My friend and I went out to eat lunch, but again I was just so emotional that I decided to only have a drink to celebrate. She then walked me to the nearest metro station where we both rode a train to the airport. We hugged and said our goodbyes.

When I returned to Florida, my husband and sons had a surprise for me. It was a delicious chocolate cake that said, "Congratulations Dr. Mom".

The Courage to Restart and Recommit

Cindy and Winston's Wedding Day ~ July 2013

Recently, I had the privilege of attending my sister Cindy’s second wedding.  I watched the ceremony with deep admiration for my sister’s courage to restart and recommit to marriage.  I am also proud of her because she is about to begin a new educational journey in a Ph.D. program in Urban Education at the CUNY Graduate Center. Committing to all of these new beginnings, she is very courageous indeed. 

These new milestones my sister is experiencing made me reflect on my stops and starts with many of my life happenings, especially my dissertation.  I remember having moments when I said to myself, “I quit!” and moved on with my life free of the thought of an unfinished Ph.D.  As David Madsen quips in his helpful book, Successful Dissertations and Theses, I would be joining the “Shubert Society,” a reference to the composer’s Symphony No. 8in B Minor, the “Unfinished.”

I actually thought quitting would be easy, but as it turned out, that was not the case. I had daily thoughts nagging away at me: Am I really going to walk away from this lifelong goal? What about all those classes I took, pages read, assignments completed and comprehensive exams passed? Did I really want to be another ABD?

I even went as far as to consider what being ABD would look like on my resume: Would it signal to potential employers that I am a quitter or that I don’t know how to finish what I started? Do I just leave it off altogether?

Last year I took a deep breath and I made a major decision.  I decided, no, I did not want to continue being ABD.  So what did I do?  I mustered up the courage, energy and determination to restart and recommit to working on the dissertation, the last step in the doctoral process. Since then, the revisions and updates have felt like ongoing restarts as I continue to get feedback and narrow my topic to a “doable” scope.  This is not an easy task, but what keeps me going is regularly meeting some amazing Doctoras Latinas who remind me it is DOABLE!

Today I celebrate my sister and her husband's union and I wish them a life of love and happiness as they blend their beautiful families.  I also celebrate myself and anyone else who is struggling with the doctoral process.  It is clear to me from the Facebook group of Latinas Completing Doctoral Degrees (www.facebook.com/groups/LatinasCompletingDoctoralDegrees) that there are plenty of Latinas who are not only moving through the process, but have actually earned the degree.  This is inspiring for us all and I hope this network will continue to support each other.  I keep in my mind the words that my colleague and fellow Latina doctoral student, Omayra Arocho, signed off on a recent email, “Pa' Lante!”

Ordinary Workday, Extraordinary Encounter

Justice Sonia Sotomayor and Sofia Bautista Pertuz at Fordham University

Last week I had an extraordinary encounter on an ordinary workday. As I was walking from my office to the restroom, one of my colleagues stopped me to ask if I knew that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor was in the building where I work. In disbelief I ran to the location and asked if I could meet her. It was one of the most marvelous few minutes of my life. Not since meeting Mother Teresa as a teenager, have I met someone who has so profoundly inspired so many people by her leadership. This was an exciting opportunity to tell her in person how much I loved her book, My Beloved World.  One of my favorite lines right at the beginning in her preface highlights what a humble leader Justice Sotomayor is when she explains the measure of vulnerability that comes with her choice to share intimately about her personal life: “There are hazards to openness, but they seem minor compared with the possibility that some readers may find comfort, perhaps even inspiration, from a close examination of how an ordinary person, with strengths and weaknesses like anyone else, has managed an extraordinary journey.”

So what does this have to do with my dissertation and Latinas completing doctoral degrees? Not much, except that not so long ago, I was upset with myself for taking precious time away from dissertation reading to read her book. The guilt was tremendous, but I needed some inspiration and I found it in her memoir, which really turns out to be a leadership book if you read carefully and find the golden nuggets of life lessons in her personal and professional journey.  This shows that sometimes it's okay to take a break and read something else that inspires you beyond the articles you read for your own writing. Her life lessons and commentary about academia especially, were just as useful, gave me as much motivation and was time well spent.

So yes, I did tell her that I was working on my dissertation and that I was a doctoral student in addition to being a higher education administrator.  She was very encouraging and supportive.  However, now that I told her that I was going to finish and earn my doctorate, this means I have to do exactly that.  If I don’t, then I would feel like I was lying to her and you do not lie to a Supreme Court Justice, or any judge for that matter.  Wouldn’t that be like perjury?  I know that we were not in the court of law, but I'm going to just pretend that if I don't finish, then I would be guilty of perjury and no one wants to be accused of that, especially not me. 

      

Therefore, I will continue my journey with hard work as Justice Sotomayor put in to get where she is and with the support of my network and community that I appreciate so much.  That was a big key to her success that she constantly stressed in her book – the people who helped her along the way to get where is she is right now.  I hope the Facebook group I started recently helps to create this much needed network for all Latinas in this journey to consider, complete, or celebrate doctoral degrees:  https://www.facebook.com/groups/LatinasCompletingDoctoralDegrees/

I am a proud (and working on being a wise) Latina!