This
week’s special guest blogger has a story to tell about her balancing act of
being a full time employee, doctoral student and family member. This struggle would seem pretty typical for
any person trying to achieve many goals, but what makes this story different,
are the day to day microaggressions that Sherlene Ayala has to endure as a Latina on a
journey to do great things. As someone
trying to do the same thing with the balancing act, and enduring many of the
same microaggressions, I literally feel her pain. I send this extraordinary young woman
positive energy, strength and the courage to persevere and use all support
systems available for her to achieve her goals, complete her doctorate and advance in her career.
Sherlene, we are all rooting for you and can’t wait to add you to the Galeria
de Doctoras Latinas as the future Dr. Ayala.
Pa’lante hermana!
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| Sherlene Ayala: Doctoral Student and Emerging Scholar |
Sherlene Ayala shares:
Angry Latina with a Balancing Act and an Added Dose
of Microaggressions
As I enter my fifth semester
as a doctoral student, I still struggle with making this work for me.
There are times when I feel like I am losing my mind. I didn't get the memo on
how to make this enormous responsibility fit in with the rest of my life. I can
barely get myself looking decent these days; the thought of hanging out with
friends seems like a daunting task, and when my partner reminds me that I am
always studying, I feel like I've failed at the concept of multitasking. I'm a
Latina, shouldn't I be able to "handle" my own and not let others see
me sweat?
Outside of my role of a doctoral
student, I work at a university in the northeast and my responsibility includes
diversity programming and training. I struggle with making this exhausting role
appear simple. I'm expected to manage my emotions, not take anything personal
and ensure that I make others comfortable while I broach the topic of diversity.
How can I do this when most of my time spent is reading and writing about
institutional racism? How can I disconnect myself from a literature that speaks
strongly to my experiences and names my day to day struggle? Why should I
soften the topic of privilege and institutional racism? When I do such things,
it’s at my own expense!
One day, a sorority sister
posted on Facebook, "I’m fighting microaggressions one day at a time"
and it reminded me about my conversation with a White student, who holds a
significant leadership role on campus. He told me very bluntly that our school
should only hire "American speaking faculty." I can’t blame him for
thinking this way when a colleague a few weeks earlier told me a Senior
Student Affairs Officer of Color was hired not because she was qualified with
a doctoral degree, but because of affirmative action requirements. These
racist and negative messages are pervasive.
If leaving a seemingly “color-blind
work environment” wasn't enough, I then have to spend my evenings sitting in a
classroom with majority White peers who want to ignore the concept of racism,
yet preach that they “get it.” I smirk in amusement as they talk about the “softer”
topics such as gender issues, disability and Hurricane Sandy - the storm that
destroyed their vacation home on the Jersey Shore. These are our future
leaders of America who will sit in positions of leadership and go unquestioned
because of their privileged identities.
Being a Latina who is
passionate about social justice is a very difficult experience for which I was
unprepared to tackle. In my years of education, not once have I been taught how
to take care of myself in this process. My experiences of always having to
"be on" and face the insults by students, colleagues and classmates
is wearing me down. Navigating this difficult terrain is lonely, and at times
the consequences of tokenism, racism, and stigmatization are psychologically
and emotionally damaging. I sometimes wish I could turn off and tune everyone
out, but it’s that moment when I have a student in my office telling me about
the “N-Word” that was written on a classroom chair that gives me the fuel to
keep fighting through.
I realize that I am earning
those 3 special letters after my name so that one day I can be in a position of
power to ensure that I am bringing these issues to the table. It is important
to name the experiences of marginalized groups and push society to address inequalities.
And while I may not have the answer to making this doctoral experience less
stressful, and while I may never change someone’s mind about racism, I do know
that with the doctoral degree I can inspire more People of Color to follow. I
can be the one in the front of the classroom bringing real issues to the table.
So if this means I don’t get
around to ironing my blouse for work, or that I forget to get my partner an
anniversary gift, or my birthday consists of sitting in my office with sweat
pants, a sloppy bun and my 3rd cup of coffee, I will do what it takes to get
through this degree. I have to remind myself that there are many people
standing behind me pushing me in this process, and that despite the challenges
that are put in my way, I chose the road less traveled and it WILL make all the
difference!
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